The duty we owe ourselves is greater than that we owe others.
– Louisa May Alcott
The very first thing you need to do if you want to be more assertive in your life is to understand what assertive is and what it is not. Being assertive does not mean that you are aggressive. You do not have to be rude to be assertive. To be more assertive simply means that you stand up for yourself, speak up at the time that it is needed, and respect the rights of others.
Prepare and Practice
Whenever you want to be better at something, the best thing you can do is overprepare and practice. You can practice by doing assertive things in a small way, such as practicing saying no. But you can also use visualization to practice so that when you find yourself in specific situations, you can fall back on the way you visualized it.
Find a Few Seconds of Courage
You do not really need to be brave for very long to speak up for yourself. You simply need a few seconds of courage to stand up and say what you wanted to say calmly, clearly, and directly.
Choose Your Communication Channel Wisely
When you have something to say that is important to you think about your audience. What is the best way for them to receive the information from you? Is it best heard in person or best in a letter or an email? How about a text. It’s important to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it before doing it.
Act Confident Even When You are Not
Your granny likely told you to “fake it until you make it” and there is a lot of goodness and truth in that advice. However, do not think that you are being dishonest when you act confident, even if you do not fully feel it right away. Most people are not really going to know you are nervous. Just speak up anyway. The more you do it, the more it will feel natural.
Speak Slowly and Remember to Breathe
When you do finally speak up at the right time, take a deep breath, and say what you need to say slowly and clearly. Speaking fast might make you trip over your words and cause miscommunication.
Make Eye Contact with People
A lot of people have issues with eye contact, but they are completely honest people. Even if you have an issue with it, understand that most people in the USA, at least find it off-putting if you do not make eye contact. But remember you do not have to make eye contact all the time, just part of the time. It is not a staring contest.
Know That Saying No is Okay
Learning to say no is part of being assertive. If you are a people pleaser, it is easy to get into the habit of always saying yes and being that quiet person that everyone counts on. Try saying no to some of the things you do not want to do or really do not have time to do as practice.
Learn to Make “I” Statements
When you speak, since it is not an academic paper, use “I” statements. I think, and I feel are the ways you can express yourself to others in a way that makes them hear you. Because what you think, and feel is important.
If your issue is genuinely shyness, or about being an introvert, practicing will help you become more assertive. However, if you think you have deeper issues such as social anxiety you may want to speak to a professional to help you move past it. Hiring a counselor or a life coach can help you break through if you are having issues getting there.